Deep within the tangled pantheon of Houses & Humans, where minor gods bicker over caffeine offerings and existential dread, a new figure has ascended.
Not from prophecy.
Not from sacrifice.
Not from ancient runes found behind a dryer lint hoard.
But from something far more powerful:
the first stranger sale.
Thus begins the tale of Joseph, Patron of First Sales
A mortal who clicked “Buy Now” at a moment the Universe least expected, and in doing so, crossed the thin, shimmering threshold between “customer” and “minor household deity.”
His rise was not dramatic.
There were no comets, no earthquakes, no celestial trumpets.
Just a quiet notification ping and a creator staring at the screen whispering:
“…Joseph? Who the hell is Joseph??”
But that’s how godhood often starts in Houses & Humans:
with confusion, adrenaline, and a glitching Shopify dashboard.
Miracles Attributed to Joseph
Proved That Someone Out There Gets the Joke
Which is basically a religious experience.
Unlocked the “Maybe This Could Actually Work?” Buff
A fragile, shimmering enchantment that disappears if you look at it too hard.
Reduced Existential Dread by One (1) HP
A microscopic victory, but hey — numbers went down.
Introduced a Fresh, Sparkling New Anxiety:
“What if he doesn’t like it?”
This bonus fear now flutters around like a chaotic familiar, providing
+1 vigilance, –2 peace of mind, and +10,000 intrusive thought pings per day.
Joseph, Patron of First Sales — Domains
The Realm of Statistical Miracles
Where the conversion rate defies reason, math, and the entire marketing industry.
Micro-Validation Magic
Tiny emotional boosts that absolutely should not matter this much… yet do.
Overseer of NPCs Who Accidentally Become Canon
Because once a stranger buys something, congratulations — they’re part of the lore now. No take-backs.
Joseph’s Ascension: The Full Tale
It happened on a Thursday.
A deeply average Thursday.
Not a holiday, not a celestial alignment, not even a good hair day.
The creator had been shouting into the algorithmic void for weeks — maybe months — watching impressions rise and fall like a depressed tide. Ads threw sparks. Posts fluttered into the abyss. Hope flickered.
And then it happened.
A ping.
A name.
A stranger.
Joseph.
No mutual friends.
No matching zip code.
No “oh I know them.”
Just… Joseph.
In that moment, reality bent.
A tiny crack formed in the wall of self-doubt.
The universe blinked.
The creator froze like an NPC encountering sentience.
Because THIS — this tiny, messy, statistically insignificant sale —
meant the impossible had occurred.
Someone out there, somewhere out in the wild, saw the book, understood the vibe, and said:
“Yeah, this looks like my kind of chaos.”
A single action.
A single click.
A single improbable moment.
And that is how Joseph rose — not as a god of thunder or wisdom
but as the Patron Saint of First Sales,
protector of fragile hope,
bringer of validation,
harbinger of new anxieties.
And so Joseph takes his place among the minor gods of Houses & Humans — not because he sought power, but because he clicked “Buy Now” on a random Thursday. His influence may seem small, fleeting, and mildly stressful, but for a moment, the world felt just a little less impossible. The rest is up to the Algorithm… and whoever stumbles into the shop next.
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